So There I Am

Inside my mind there sits a medley of words floating through a dark void, with no actual direction in which to go. Once a sentence begins to form or take shape it quickly gets scattered like pool balls within an invisible green canvas. Each building block falls apart as more letters circle within my head and no combination seems to take form. Letters begin meeting letters but soon they disappear into a blackness that doesn't want to spit them back out.

For months I have logged into this page, stared at the header, and looked blankly at the black button keyboard of my computer as if waiting for a chess match to begin. A desire to write has sent me back to this blog, ready to take lead in a keyboard tapping partner dance, with hopes of inspiration rising inside like the gradual smoking of an active volcanic mountain. One spark of a free flowing sentence might be the turning point towards a vertical eruption of fiery wordplay lava. One sentence or partial phrase would take temporary haven along a seemingly secure first line but soon would be washed away by a fierce wall of erase button.

Since September this blog has gone through more drafts than a group of friends in an affordable happy hour. Half a page here, a paragraph there, and the only thing keeping me from completely deleting them is that I want my future self to look back and recall how blocked from writing I currently find myself. Glancing at the wreckage of semi constructed posts I feel like a general feeling nothing but pain for his poorly equipped army. The only person to blame is myself, and a flatline of inspiration.

Closing my eyes I can see myself seated uncomfortably in a wooden sail boat, waiting for a gust of wind to take me somewhere, anywhere. The rickety boat, along with this blog, hasn't been moving in any one direction and now the question of dropping anchor and swimming to shore is becoming a higher possibility.

If I made an escape towards land will I ever step foot again on the dock that sent that boat out there in the first place? I slice the tips of my fingers through the chilly liquid surface and upon retracting my hand out of wetness my shoulders send a slight shiver of cold discontent. I chill of memories from prior posts leaves me staring out towards what looks like absolutely nothing.

In a breath I turn my head and look out towards the horizon, towards a completely still field of blue water. Trying to search for the exact line separating sky from sea not a single sensation of natural breeze can be felt. As time continues I soon begin forgetting why I want wind to continue guiding the boat forward, and also don't really see a destination for which to captain it. It's becoming increasingly hard to gaze outward, maybe out of brightness from a now slowly dropping sun as it reflects off of the watery panel in front of me or possibly out of internal fatigue from trying to focus for so long. Before the sun fully sets I want to try and make at least a little progress towards somewhere, however when I try to paddle with my hands the boat simply rotates in an awkward splashing fashion.

I've been waiting for too long for that wind to take me away. Who knows when or if it will ever show it's blustery face again.

It's almost completely dark. Looking out one more time I don't even know if it's the horizon that I'm staring at. I turn towards the back end of the boat, hanging my legs over the side, contemplating a possible goodbye to this old yet loyal wooden partner in wanders that has been a part of me since the days of Missoula, since echoes of dogs barking on rooftops, since looking for shade in El Esparragal, and then..

....open my eyes.



So there I am.